"Giving up is hard to do, when you really love someone"- Donny Hathaway.
These last few weeks have been some of the hardest I've had in awhile. Someone I hold dear to me said that I must be getting tested, they also said that I'm the strongest person I know. They then went onto say I can slap like a four year old girl so I don't quite know how reliable said person is, but I'd like to think the first two statements hold some truth.
We are tested. In different ways, every moment of our lives. Maybe we just don't notice it. It's not the situations in our life that define who we are, it's not the people, it's not the circumstances or the outcome, it's our actions and further more our reactions. That's what makes us who we are. That's what defines us. We can't always stop what's going to happen. Sometimes, in order to come together, you first need to fall apart.
I lost someone close to me yesterday. She was taken away from all of us too soon and the pain I felt in that moment was indescribable. I felt as though my heart was literally being ripped from within my chest. Every beat thudded through my ribcage and I could feel it in my head. Most of yesterday was a blur, certain moments stick out, certain people who were there for me regardless of what else was happening.
This week started out like a beautiful display of Murphys Law and ended up being exactly what I needed. As heartbreaking as it's been, as painful and debilitating at times, it woke me up. You have to crawl before you learn to fly. I sometimes am going so fast through this mess of my life that I let things slip by me, those moments, those little things...years from now, those will be the big things. I don't want to miss those. I don't want to forget them.
I don't want to have to lose someone just to remember the way they smiled, the way their eyes would light up anytime they got to cook with me. I want to live in the moment and not just remember what her laugh sounded like when she'd laugh hysterically at my boyfriend teasing her, but actually hear it, actually feel it. Hear the way they'd go back and forth like siblings, instantly, and just soak it in for what it is, and love them for it. Never take it for granted.
I promised myself to be true to myself. To follow my heart. To not be afraid of losing someone because of something I might say. If they will walk away because I'm honest then they weren't meant to stay after all. I need to take a deep breath and just let it go, I can't control the world. All I can do is be the best me I can be, and make peace with knowing that that is enough. That that is more than enough.
I learned to never give up on someone who hasn't given up on you. Never give up on someone even if they have, that's when they need you the most. Never give up on yourself. And never forget that you have no idea when it all might end. Live each moment, love each moment. Life is too fucking precious to waste. You can change the world, your world, you control it. Make it the one you want. You have no one to blame but yourself. It will always get better even if right now you don't think it's possible.
There's a Nora Roberts quote, that I found incredibly on point for this week..."“It’s amazing, really, just how much pain the human heart can take.”. You have no idea how strong you really are until you have no choice but to soldier on, but to survive. Don't be afraid to test yourself, you may surprise yourself with the results. You may be inspired to change your life.
My grandma sent me an email the other day, simple and to the point, "yes! REVOLT! Change the world my baby! love you till it hurts and then some". Do the things you think you can't, become the person you've always wanted, the only thing stopping yourself is you. Tomorrow may never come. No regrets. Live. Love. Laugh. Just breathe.
