Show me love.

I discussed my fibromyalgia today, with full disclosure, without feeling ashamed. Ever since I've been diagnosed, ever since I've been in this whirlwind of non stop pain all I keep feeling is shame and as though I am nothing but a mess up. I felt like giving up, I felt like letting go...I felt like I couldn't feel like that anymore.

My boyfriend happens to be my best friend, he also happens to be one of the greatest human beings I've ever had the beautiful pleasure of having in my life. I bring him up because he's been my rock. When I've been too weak to fight lately, he'd fight for us...when I lost hope, he had all the hope in the world. He never once turned his back on me and the deeper I felt myself falling into this dark abyss of depression and pain the more I felt his hand gripping my hand, never letting me go, never letting me be alone. I can't count the times he listened to me cry over my frustration, over my pain. I can't count the times that just the sound of his voice calmed me down, and that every time he told me it was going to get better, that we'd get through this and I'd be ok...there was something in his voice that made me believe him.

He didn't let me feel alone. He never wanted me to feel alone. It's me and him against the world and we'd beat this, together, and we'll be better for it and because of it. We'll never give up, and when I can't stand up anymore because I'm so tired of the pain, he'll stand up for both of us. And he did, he does. I've never had anyone do that for me. To be honest, it was scary at first, he's the most amazing man in the world for everything he's done for me through all of this, for us. Sometimes I wonder if he knows that, if he believes me when I say it. I hope he does.

Chronic pain has a funny way of eating at your mind. It gets at your psyche and alters your perception of the entire world. What you once believed was the way things work, gets completely reworked and twisted. It's almost as though you live in an alternate universe. No one can understand what it means unless they've been there, and even then...they've never been in your exact shoes, or mine.

It's always been hard for me to discuss my fibromyalgia because I always feel as though its partially my fault, even though I've been told by both of my doctors who are treating it that it is not my fault in any shape way or form, it is what it is, and I need to find a treatment that works so I can live my life the way I want. I will always have pain, but in a mild form, a level of 2 or 3...not the constant level of 9 or 10 that I've been at for far too long now. When you're in that constant amount of pain, every thing really does become a giant blur.

I discussed my fibromyalgia because my good friend was worried about someone he cares about, and I was worried for him. I told him how I feel, what tests they've done, what possible things maybe the person he's worried about could try or do to feel better, urging him to see if a doctors appointment would be possible. I was open, I was honest, and for the first time in the longest time, it didn't feel as weird as I remember.

I'm starting to think all the positive things my boyfriend keeps telling me are finally sticking. Maybe he's right, maybe I will beat this, maybe it will get better. Maybe I can find a way to live my life the way I want to and feel the way I want. I trust what he says more than anything and I find myself believing what he says when it comes to things like that more lately. I don't know if it's happy thinking, I don't know if it's me hoping for the best or just being sweet on my man. It could just be that he's right, and I'm terrified, and him being there...saying those things, makes me feel brave enough to keep going.

When I'm at my lowest, and he tells me how I need to be strong and he knows that it's hard right now but we can do this, I just close my eyes and listen to him, letting his words resonate through me and that tiny hopeful voice inside of me knows he right and I cling to that. It's what gets me through. Knowing I have someone like that, by my side, who I can trust with my darkest moments, who believes in me no matter what...is how I keep going. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Fibromyalgia is tricky to treat, no two patients are alike, the pain levels vary on the day, the week, even the hour and everything from insomnia to muscle spasms, intense fatigue, migraines and dry skin can all be happening at the same time. How as a patient, as a human being, are you supposed to know which way to turn or how to fix it? You don't. All you can do is your best. Find what works for you through trial and error.

I know many of my friends who have it, as well as many people who have similar conditions and we are all just trying to do the same thing: find some peace with it. Find peace with our bodies. Find a combination of everything including meds, food, and the way you live that allows your body to be at peace with itself. I don't have any answers, I don't have any quick fixes, I'm struggling and figuring it out just like the rest. The only thing I have on my side is love, a lot of it. And I know being surrounded by that much love, I'll find peace. He may not cure my sickness when he wraps his arms around me, but he heals my soul and that's the perfect place to start.

Show me love, show me life, baby show me what it's all about.

In the end.

It’s weird when every thing you know about a person and believe to be true can all be thrown out the window by a single action, a single sentence spoken, a single movement made in less than a second. Your relationship with that person is forever change, and you can never look at them as the same. Your perception of them, as this great human being, one that you could look up to and lived a life of morals is suddenly cast down from the throne you placed him on. You begin to question if it’s your fault, if you placed him on upon a throne that he didn’t wish upon himself as well? But then you realize you didn’t. He wanted that throne, he promised himself he’d be a better husband to his wife this time around, a better man, a better father, that his old ways would never come back to haunt him and that he was a good soul.

My how things can change so suddenly.

I found myself sick to my stomach when they kissed, I felt the shift in the air the moment it was all happening and I knew it was wrong. When I denied him he went elsewhere, to someone weaker, someone more willing, and someone who sometimes just doesn’t think. But what excuse is that? Of course she was thinking, she just wasn’t thinking of what’s right. She was thinking of herself. When he touched her the way he did, didn’t she feel his wedding ring graze her body? Because I felt it the second he tried to wrap his arm around me, and that’s the moment I pulled away.

There’s this saying, that one wrong action, one fault, doesn’t make a man a horrible person. And it’s very true, he’s not a horrible person. But it was a horrible thing to do. And what’s worse is he knew it, he just didn’t care.

It made me look at relationships differently. It made me scared in a way I didn’t think I could be. Here was this man, this great man whom I trusted to be a stand up guy, always doing the right thing especially in the hardest times when really it was all just for show. It broke my heart. It made me wonder how many others there were, if his wife had any idea, if this really was how he behaved while she was gone. It made me wonder how he could look himself in the mirror and tell himself he’s being a better man than he used to be. It made me wonder that if this is him being a better man, who the hell was he before?