When sleeping women wake, mountains move.

When I made the decision to write again my first thought was how excited I was, my next thought was how overwhelmed I was. How do I explain every thing that has been happening to me and every thing that is going on in my life without overwhelming both myself and any readers? One of my close and dearest friends told me just to be true to myself and true to my writing. Another said that maybe if I make a list of all the things I want to talk about period, that I could then figure out . Both are genius tips, because both are genius women. I wish I could say I give enough thought to my writing that I could make a list but more than eighty percent of the time I just write what comes to mind.

These last few months have been some of the most trying months of my entire adult life. I’ve never had such a never ending roller coaster that affects me mentally, physically and emotionally. It felt like it was never going to stop, never going to let up and to this day, this exact moment…it still hasn’t. But these months, they’re different.

I’ve been through hard times as a child. I had a difficult adolescence, and even more troubled teen years. I am very familiar with the challenges that life presents you with and I am even more familiar with overcoming them on my own. It’s almost become a trait of mine, the ability to withstand the biggest of shit storms, hold my ground firmly, without even needing a helping hand. However it has it’s downfalls, it’s created the inability to know how to hold a helping hand.

About a year ago, my relationship with an acquaintance of mine started to change…before we knew what was happening it crossed a line into territory we knew we could never come back for. We suddenly found ourselves talking every day, all day for the most part, and before we knew it not only were we best friends, but we were so very much in love with each other. We loved each other so much, so deep and so real. It was unlike anything I’ve ever known, he was unlike something I’ve ever known.

I found myself telling him things that I never felt safe enough telling anyone, things that it took me years to even tell my therapist. I found myself letting him see me in ways I never let anyone else see me, not even family. I found myself letting him see my darkest moments, I found myself letting him see my worse traits, and I let him see how quickly being so sick could make me fall apart. And then he opened my eyes.

He made me see that no matter what I showed him, no matter what I told him, no matter how sick I got, he would stay, he wasn’t going anywhere. He made me, the one girl who was desperately afraid of letting someone get too close because it always lead to goodbyes; want him to be that close. He made me want to show him all of me and me comfortable with it.

We hit our fair share of speed bumps, sometimes they feel more like 15ft ditches, but we pick each other up and we get through it together. I’ve never had someone support me the way he did and the way he does. He promised me he would never do what my father did, he promised we would always work things out because we both are too stubborn to have it any other way, and to this day he hasn’t broken those promises.

I’m not afraid to show him how scared of all of this I am. I’m not afraid to show him how terrified I am of my treatment, of the possibilities, of my setbacks, how frustrated I am. I’m not afraid to just cry. Its in those moments that he holds me tight and kisses my head, calls me by his nickname for me, Bella, and promises me that he will never leave me to be alone.
Even though I wish I could say I’m this strong amazing woman all on my own for doing what I’m doing, and going through all of it, but I’m really just terrified and he’s the only reason I’ve been able to get through as much as I have, him . People can think what they want, they seem to assume I’m over exaggerating for some reason and I will never understand that. He’s my rock, he’s my anchor, he’s my sanity when mine is clearly m.i.a., he’s my better half and there for me more than half the time before I even have to ask, he just knows. He is the best thing that’s ever been mine, and I’m so honored and blessed to have him in the chaotic medical drama that is my life.

Lately I have been dealing with a lot of doctors, a lot of meds, and a lot of mistakes and issues. As many of you may already know, I was set to be back in remission this summer however, regretfully they did for sure detect that I do in fact have a recurrence. Unfortunately, the type I have is actually the seventh leading cause of cancer death in the world. Charming statistic isn’t it? I have started a very aggressive treatment regimen including chemotherapy and radiation. I have chemotherapy six days a week and external beam radiation five times a week. We have been keeping our fingers crossed.

I was also recently, towards the beginning of the summer in fact, diagnosed with fibromyalgia. For those that are uninformed regarding this condition it is in fact an increasingly recognized chronic pain illness which is characterized by widespread musculoskeletal aches, pain and stiffness, soft tissue tenderness, general fatigue and sleep disturbances. The most common sites of pain include the neck, back, shoulders, pelvic girdle and hands, but any body part can be involved. Fibromyalgia patients experience a range of symptoms of varying intensities that wax and wane over time. The symptoms flare up and it has been studied and proven that it is mostly controlled/aggravated by stress and anxiety, in some people depression as well. Mine is 100% stress and anxiety controlled, the moment I am stressed my Fibromyalgia flares up and my whole body aches in such pain that I have trouble just standing up to use the restroom during work.

There are many drugs on the market that are approved for the use of Fibromyalgia and to try and control the side effects and symptoms, most notably the pain. I have been going through a very difficult trial and error process with many of those meds to see which will work best with me. My problem seems to be that I get used to medication very quickly, causing my doctors to have to up the dosage or just change the medication all together. I just met with my main doctor last week and he changed a few of my meds, we’ll just have to wait and see if they work. I was told to gradually up the dose on the new medication until I reach the desired mg prescribed by my doctor so that’s what I’m doing. So far, so good, let’s just see if a week from now it’s still working?

Between treatment, doctors appointments, more treatment, so many meds I can hardly keep track of them, my mind just seems to be in this crazy combination of fibro fog/chemo brain/and stunned numbness. I almost feel as though I’m out of my body, floating above every thing happening and watching my life unfold below me. I’m working about 50-60 hours a week still on top of every thing and usually when I’m not at work, I’m still stressing about something work wise.

I find I only feel like myself when I’m talking to my closest friends, him (who I lovingly told you all about earlier), my merd (one of the my closest girl friends who after years of knowing each other, we just keep getting closer), and my sister Sammy to name a few. The rest of the time I really do feel as though I’m floating through this cloud of numbness. Against very popular belief it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m on a lot of medication, I wish I could write it off to that. But that’s not it.

I have so much going on in my head, so much going on with me period that I can’t breathe sometimes, and that just makes the Fibromyalgia worse, sensing a pattern? Stress makes it flare, and yet having it is making me stress. How on earth can I break that cycle? My amazing Dr. C and I are working on that. But seriously now, how frustrating is that?! Don’t stress because it will for sure make it worse, but here’s a situation that would and will make every human being who gets it, stressed as humanly possible.

So I turn to this, writing. Again. To help me get through this time. It’s helped m e before to mentally win this battle, this war that is being fought within my body. Maybe it will help me win again? Besides, understanding the complexity of cancer is a full time job, add some Fibromyalgia into the mix and you’ve definitely got to have some major over time on that time card.

It’s time for change. And no better time than now. Like the lovely Kris Carr says you can’t change how people perceive you, but you must protect how you see yourself. Don’t see sick. See healthy. You are not your circumstances. Your body isn’t sick, it’s just confused. Look in the mirror, what do you see? No matter what your ego barks out, ask your soul. The ego tends to see fat, flabby, and not “enough”. Ego is a little brat! It knows that if you come to your senses, there will be a major coup, and it will no longer rule the roost. Your soul sees radiance and truth.

Marianne Williamson once said that we can grow from any experience and we can transcend any experience. Forgiveness remains the only path that leads us out of hell. With everything my body is going through, and everything I’ve been going through…maybe it’s time I forgive myself?

And the day came when the risk to
remain tight in a bud was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom