Show me how you're my friend. I will show you how you're wrong.

I find it strange that people who do such awful things to others can call themselves friends. How? How is that being a friend? I don't want your white lies and you blinding the truth from me. I don't want to have to decipher your words to find the real meaning behind them every time we converse. I want you to tell me the truth, like a grown up, you ARE an adult now. I would appreciate it if you acted like one once in awhile. It may be awkward, most likely it will, but it will be the best kind of awkward because then there are no secrets, there is no betrayal. With honesty, there are no games, there's no backstabbing, there's no I should've knowns and how could yous. There's thank you for telling me and even though I don't like what you're saying to me I appreciate you telling me, of course there's always the I know you don't want to hear this but it's best to hear it from me ones as well.

They all have their own sting. And it doesn't make what follows it hurt any less. But it does make the sting go away faster. Because it means the person that is saying it cares for the person receiving it enough to be honest with them. Truth isn't just about being honest for your own karma. Truth and honesty is about respecting and caring about someone so much that you want them to always know exactly how it is, exactly what it means, what's going on and how it feels. You'd never want them to be in the dark because of something you've done and haven't spoken up about.

I've always used my personal life as motivation for work, food and fuel for it almost, lucky for me in my career that works. Brilliantly as well. It's not only a release but it's also somehow like therapy. Sort of like what I'm doing right now and what you're reading at the moment. Getting all of that anger and hurt out in a healthy way, a productive way, I think is the best. If you can take all that anger and hurt, that pain and betrayal and turn it into something that you not only benefit from but profit from in multiple ways not just monetarily but emotional stability wise and so forth- well that's just brilliant. What does this have to do with truth you may ask? Or honesty? To me, well, it all sort of meshes together.

I've been betrayed recently. In a way I never thought possible, by someone that I truly never thought would hurt me in such a way. Not only did it happen, but it happened repeatedly. So many times in fact that I lost track. It's been said that this person lost themselves for that bit of time, six months or so, and that they're sorry. Unfortunately I've heard that word so many times that it doesn't even hold any shred of truth with it anymore. It's lost its meaning. When someone says it then never backs it up repeatedly, it loses it's meaning. I do believe this said person is utterly disgusted with themselves for what they've done and can't believe that they actually did what they did to me.

I found that when I stepped back, looked at the entire situation and how I reacted to it that what I was hurt the most by wasn't at all the actions or lack there of in some instances but the dishonesty about it and the lying about it. That's what hurt me. That's what gutted me to the core. There were moments I didn't feel like I could breathe, to be quite truthful, there were moments I couldn't. I was being hurt so bad and so often that my health was actually suffering from it, multiple anxiety attacks to the point that my body was shutting down because it couldn't handle all of the stress it was going through. All of it because someone I loved, someone I love more than anything, was too much of a child to tell the truth. I suffered for weeks in pain because of their actions. I can't even count how many nights my doctors had to inject me with multiple doses of anxiety medication just so I could breathe without feeling like people were punching my chest over and over, my eyes would be swollen to the point of almost closing from crying and crying until I just would pass out doing so.

I tried to trick myself, to keep my mind off of it. But a hurt like that, a pain that deep, you can't hide from that. You can't pretend to not feel it as much as you try. A pain caused by the one person that you trusted more than anyone else you have before, that one shining beacon of hope in your life, when you're betrayed by them, that pain is relentless, that knife is sharp, that wound is deep and for a long time it feels like every new day just brought the pain all over again. I finally realized how someone could die of a broken heart. For a few days there I felt like I honestly would. My health was deteriorating quickly, as hard as I fought to do every thing I could to get better, as hard as my doctors tried, I just couldn't get better. My immune system was so shot from every thing happening health wise that when the emotional strain came on top of it my body just fell apart.

It's hard when someone that close to you does it. It's hard when it's not just a lover, a past lover, a possible future lover, but when it's your best friend and closest confidant. It's hard when that unspoken bond is broken. It's unbelievably hard. There are moments you don't think you'll ever work again, that the friendship you had may never return and to be honest I don't know if it will ever be like it was again. I'm terrified that it won't be and that it'll be lost, I'm horrified at that thought, that it will be something we will sit and talk about over dinner and think 'Wow, wasn't that brilliant? Weren't those amazing times? Weren't we great?' and we'll laugh over all of the stupid stuff we've done, the laughter we've shared, the tears we've created and the moments of utter brutal life that have happened when we were there for each other when no one else knew how to be.

I pray every day that it will be good again. That we will be good again. We're both trying and it's not going to be easy, regaining trust after something so brutal never is. We have a lot of issues we have to work through but there's just so much love there. For whatever reason I adore that asshole and he can't live without this bitch. We're stumbling for now, trying to find how to make it work. Over time, it will get better. Trust will rebuild over time. Everything that we've worked so hard to save will be salvaged. Not all will be lost. We won't be lost. We may just be too stubborn for that.

I love hard, sometimes it leads me to heartbreak, loneliness and anguish. Sometimes it leads me to someone who breaks my heart in a way where they have an opportunity to piece it back together themselves. Now I just have to wait and see if I matter enough for them to handle me with care and piece what they broke back together, or run away...again. For what's it worth, I believe in them. I have faith. In the darkest times, these moments, I have faith.

Please don't make me regret believing in love and believing in you.

All you are is mean.

While away from my cell phone earlier this afternoon, I received a phone call from someone who is very close to my heart. This person left a voicemail for me, starting out friendly in a happy tone saying she was just calling to say hey. The message proceeded to get more sad in tone as the message progressed. The moment I heard the message, I could hear the pain in her voice, the heart ache, the sadness.

I called her back immediately. I didn't care to listen to all of the message because I knew what she was doing, she was calling because right now something wasn't right, right now she needed a friend and she needed to talk. Whether it was about something as pointless as macaroni cheese and salmon or as deep as a best friend betraying us for a man that they aren't even interested in, I knew she needed me and she needed to talk.

I realized that even though she and I don't get to talk as often as much as I would prefer, that when we do, they're great talks. We're real with each other. I let her vent her pain, I let her take that burden off of herself and free herself of that weight. I knew it was something she needed, and I knew one day it'd be something I needed from her.

The topics ranged but one thing was constant, we laughed and we teared up, we were there for each other and we were strong enough to show our pain and show our darkest hurt and secrets, show them proudly to one another without regret and know that yes, we may have done some things in our past, and yes we should've known better but how can you know better until you learn the lesson yourself?

We also have come to the conclusion that certain people are just mean, to be mean. They're going to end up alone, in a bar, forty years from now sitting there, talking to themselves over a bottle of scotch. All they're ever going to be is mean. How can you turn your back on us? How can you choose him over her? How can you not stick up for your friend? How can you not have her back? How can you leave her alone to deal with this? How can you bail like that? They will only ever be mean and we will never let them continue their cycle on us. We won't be mean. We will continue to hold our heads high, respect ourselves and our sisters, our girlfriends, our fellow survivors and fighters. We will not bend or break to someone who is just mean. That's not a promise. It's a gurantee. All you are, is mean.

And for this post, we dedicate the song Taylor Swifts 'Mean'. Available to download here. Please listen, enjoy, and know...yes, be vain, because this song is about you.

The End.

I've been going through fucking hell and you want to bitch to me about how you dont think my problems are real? Go fuck yourself. You will NOT break me. You will NOT belittle me. And you will NOT knock me down. I refuse to fall.

My life has been tough as of late. Tough in a way I haven't known or seen in a long time. I withdrew into myself for a long time while I dealt with a lot of health issues as well as some family stuff that was happening. I leaned on my best friends, spent time with those that mattered to me, and tried to stay as positive as possible.

Through all of this I've realized who matters, who cares, and who doesn't. Who shows up, every time and who fails to call. It hurt and it stung but that pain became useful to me, and it continues to be useful to me.

I will always be myself. If anyone has a problem with that, or a question about something, ask me. People think they know me because they base it off the hearsay of others. That's not knowing someone. That's knowing peoples gossip. You can't base your opinion on someone as a person, by what other people say. It has to be your experience with that person, not influenced by the outside. It's how I treat all of my friends and everyone in my life. And how I think I should be treated as well. What people say is what people say, the truth gets twisted and turned, pretty soon what you think you know is the truth vs the lie, isn't right. It's all a mess.

I want to thank those who have stood by me, who have supported me through everything, who have had my back 100% without wavering, and always let me cry on their chest. A good friend of mine who has always supported me said that my life is mine to share, and I should share as much or as little as I want. She's a very smart (and gorgeous, you hot mama you!)lady but what she said really hit home. Intimate details of my life will never be public knowledge. The last few weeks/months have been hard for me and I have kept it all on the down low. Those that needed to know, close friends and family, did know. It was no one else's business because quite frankly, I didn't want it to be.

If you have a problem with me, you address it with me. But don't think for a second your mean words, snotty tone, and bitch ass attitude is ever going to change who I am.

When sleeping women wake, mountains move.

When I made the decision to write again my first thought was how excited I was, my next thought was how overwhelmed I was. How do I explain every thing that has been happening to me and every thing that is going on in my life without overwhelming both myself and any readers? One of my close and dearest friends told me just to be true to myself and true to my writing. Another said that maybe if I make a list of all the things I want to talk about period, that I could then figure out . Both are genius tips, because both are genius women. I wish I could say I give enough thought to my writing that I could make a list but more than eighty percent of the time I just write what comes to mind.

These last few months have been some of the most trying months of my entire adult life. I’ve never had such a never ending roller coaster that affects me mentally, physically and emotionally. It felt like it was never going to stop, never going to let up and to this day, this exact moment…it still hasn’t. But these months, they’re different.

I’ve been through hard times as a child. I had a difficult adolescence, and even more troubled teen years. I am very familiar with the challenges that life presents you with and I am even more familiar with overcoming them on my own. It’s almost become a trait of mine, the ability to withstand the biggest of shit storms, hold my ground firmly, without even needing a helping hand. However it has it’s downfalls, it’s created the inability to know how to hold a helping hand.

About a year ago, my relationship with an acquaintance of mine started to change…before we knew what was happening it crossed a line into territory we knew we could never come back for. We suddenly found ourselves talking every day, all day for the most part, and before we knew it not only were we best friends, but we were so very much in love with each other. We loved each other so much, so deep and so real. It was unlike anything I’ve ever known, he was unlike something I’ve ever known.

I found myself telling him things that I never felt safe enough telling anyone, things that it took me years to even tell my therapist. I found myself letting him see me in ways I never let anyone else see me, not even family. I found myself letting him see my darkest moments, I found myself letting him see my worse traits, and I let him see how quickly being so sick could make me fall apart. And then he opened my eyes.

He made me see that no matter what I showed him, no matter what I told him, no matter how sick I got, he would stay, he wasn’t going anywhere. He made me, the one girl who was desperately afraid of letting someone get too close because it always lead to goodbyes; want him to be that close. He made me want to show him all of me and me comfortable with it.

We hit our fair share of speed bumps, sometimes they feel more like 15ft ditches, but we pick each other up and we get through it together. I’ve never had someone support me the way he did and the way he does. He promised me he would never do what my father did, he promised we would always work things out because we both are too stubborn to have it any other way, and to this day he hasn’t broken those promises.

I’m not afraid to show him how scared of all of this I am. I’m not afraid to show him how terrified I am of my treatment, of the possibilities, of my setbacks, how frustrated I am. I’m not afraid to just cry. Its in those moments that he holds me tight and kisses my head, calls me by his nickname for me, Bella, and promises me that he will never leave me to be alone.
Even though I wish I could say I’m this strong amazing woman all on my own for doing what I’m doing, and going through all of it, but I’m really just terrified and he’s the only reason I’ve been able to get through as much as I have, him . People can think what they want, they seem to assume I’m over exaggerating for some reason and I will never understand that. He’s my rock, he’s my anchor, he’s my sanity when mine is clearly m.i.a., he’s my better half and there for me more than half the time before I even have to ask, he just knows. He is the best thing that’s ever been mine, and I’m so honored and blessed to have him in the chaotic medical drama that is my life.

Lately I have been dealing with a lot of doctors, a lot of meds, and a lot of mistakes and issues. As many of you may already know, I was set to be back in remission this summer however, regretfully they did for sure detect that I do in fact have a recurrence. Unfortunately, the type I have is actually the seventh leading cause of cancer death in the world. Charming statistic isn’t it? I have started a very aggressive treatment regimen including chemotherapy and radiation. I have chemotherapy six days a week and external beam radiation five times a week. We have been keeping our fingers crossed.

I was also recently, towards the beginning of the summer in fact, diagnosed with fibromyalgia. For those that are uninformed regarding this condition it is in fact an increasingly recognized chronic pain illness which is characterized by widespread musculoskeletal aches, pain and stiffness, soft tissue tenderness, general fatigue and sleep disturbances. The most common sites of pain include the neck, back, shoulders, pelvic girdle and hands, but any body part can be involved. Fibromyalgia patients experience a range of symptoms of varying intensities that wax and wane over time. The symptoms flare up and it has been studied and proven that it is mostly controlled/aggravated by stress and anxiety, in some people depression as well. Mine is 100% stress and anxiety controlled, the moment I am stressed my Fibromyalgia flares up and my whole body aches in such pain that I have trouble just standing up to use the restroom during work.

There are many drugs on the market that are approved for the use of Fibromyalgia and to try and control the side effects and symptoms, most notably the pain. I have been going through a very difficult trial and error process with many of those meds to see which will work best with me. My problem seems to be that I get used to medication very quickly, causing my doctors to have to up the dosage or just change the medication all together. I just met with my main doctor last week and he changed a few of my meds, we’ll just have to wait and see if they work. I was told to gradually up the dose on the new medication until I reach the desired mg prescribed by my doctor so that’s what I’m doing. So far, so good, let’s just see if a week from now it’s still working?

Between treatment, doctors appointments, more treatment, so many meds I can hardly keep track of them, my mind just seems to be in this crazy combination of fibro fog/chemo brain/and stunned numbness. I almost feel as though I’m out of my body, floating above every thing happening and watching my life unfold below me. I’m working about 50-60 hours a week still on top of every thing and usually when I’m not at work, I’m still stressing about something work wise.

I find I only feel like myself when I’m talking to my closest friends, him (who I lovingly told you all about earlier), my merd (one of the my closest girl friends who after years of knowing each other, we just keep getting closer), and my sister Sammy to name a few. The rest of the time I really do feel as though I’m floating through this cloud of numbness. Against very popular belief it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m on a lot of medication, I wish I could write it off to that. But that’s not it.

I have so much going on in my head, so much going on with me period that I can’t breathe sometimes, and that just makes the Fibromyalgia worse, sensing a pattern? Stress makes it flare, and yet having it is making me stress. How on earth can I break that cycle? My amazing Dr. C and I are working on that. But seriously now, how frustrating is that?! Don’t stress because it will for sure make it worse, but here’s a situation that would and will make every human being who gets it, stressed as humanly possible.

So I turn to this, writing. Again. To help me get through this time. It’s helped m e before to mentally win this battle, this war that is being fought within my body. Maybe it will help me win again? Besides, understanding the complexity of cancer is a full time job, add some Fibromyalgia into the mix and you’ve definitely got to have some major over time on that time card.

It’s time for change. And no better time than now. Like the lovely Kris Carr says you can’t change how people perceive you, but you must protect how you see yourself. Don’t see sick. See healthy. You are not your circumstances. Your body isn’t sick, it’s just confused. Look in the mirror, what do you see? No matter what your ego barks out, ask your soul. The ego tends to see fat, flabby, and not “enough”. Ego is a little brat! It knows that if you come to your senses, there will be a major coup, and it will no longer rule the roost. Your soul sees radiance and truth.

Marianne Williamson once said that we can grow from any experience and we can transcend any experience. Forgiveness remains the only path that leads us out of hell. With everything my body is going through, and everything I’ve been going through…maybe it’s time I forgive myself?

And the day came when the risk to
remain tight in a bud was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom

Show me love.

I discussed my fibromyalgia today, with full disclosure, without feeling ashamed. Ever since I've been diagnosed, ever since I've been in this whirlwind of non stop pain all I keep feeling is shame and as though I am nothing but a mess up. I felt like giving up, I felt like letting go...I felt like I couldn't feel like that anymore.

My boyfriend happens to be my best friend, he also happens to be one of the greatest human beings I've ever had the beautiful pleasure of having in my life. I bring him up because he's been my rock. When I've been too weak to fight lately, he'd fight for us...when I lost hope, he had all the hope in the world. He never once turned his back on me and the deeper I felt myself falling into this dark abyss of depression and pain the more I felt his hand gripping my hand, never letting me go, never letting me be alone. I can't count the times he listened to me cry over my frustration, over my pain. I can't count the times that just the sound of his voice calmed me down, and that every time he told me it was going to get better, that we'd get through this and I'd be ok...there was something in his voice that made me believe him.

He didn't let me feel alone. He never wanted me to feel alone. It's me and him against the world and we'd beat this, together, and we'll be better for it and because of it. We'll never give up, and when I can't stand up anymore because I'm so tired of the pain, he'll stand up for both of us. And he did, he does. I've never had anyone do that for me. To be honest, it was scary at first, he's the most amazing man in the world for everything he's done for me through all of this, for us. Sometimes I wonder if he knows that, if he believes me when I say it. I hope he does.

Chronic pain has a funny way of eating at your mind. It gets at your psyche and alters your perception of the entire world. What you once believed was the way things work, gets completely reworked and twisted. It's almost as though you live in an alternate universe. No one can understand what it means unless they've been there, and even then...they've never been in your exact shoes, or mine.

It's always been hard for me to discuss my fibromyalgia because I always feel as though its partially my fault, even though I've been told by both of my doctors who are treating it that it is not my fault in any shape way or form, it is what it is, and I need to find a treatment that works so I can live my life the way I want. I will always have pain, but in a mild form, a level of 2 or 3...not the constant level of 9 or 10 that I've been at for far too long now. When you're in that constant amount of pain, every thing really does become a giant blur.

I discussed my fibromyalgia because my good friend was worried about someone he cares about, and I was worried for him. I told him how I feel, what tests they've done, what possible things maybe the person he's worried about could try or do to feel better, urging him to see if a doctors appointment would be possible. I was open, I was honest, and for the first time in the longest time, it didn't feel as weird as I remember.

I'm starting to think all the positive things my boyfriend keeps telling me are finally sticking. Maybe he's right, maybe I will beat this, maybe it will get better. Maybe I can find a way to live my life the way I want to and feel the way I want. I trust what he says more than anything and I find myself believing what he says when it comes to things like that more lately. I don't know if it's happy thinking, I don't know if it's me hoping for the best or just being sweet on my man. It could just be that he's right, and I'm terrified, and him being there...saying those things, makes me feel brave enough to keep going.

When I'm at my lowest, and he tells me how I need to be strong and he knows that it's hard right now but we can do this, I just close my eyes and listen to him, letting his words resonate through me and that tiny hopeful voice inside of me knows he right and I cling to that. It's what gets me through. Knowing I have someone like that, by my side, who I can trust with my darkest moments, who believes in me no matter what...is how I keep going. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Fibromyalgia is tricky to treat, no two patients are alike, the pain levels vary on the day, the week, even the hour and everything from insomnia to muscle spasms, intense fatigue, migraines and dry skin can all be happening at the same time. How as a patient, as a human being, are you supposed to know which way to turn or how to fix it? You don't. All you can do is your best. Find what works for you through trial and error.

I know many of my friends who have it, as well as many people who have similar conditions and we are all just trying to do the same thing: find some peace with it. Find peace with our bodies. Find a combination of everything including meds, food, and the way you live that allows your body to be at peace with itself. I don't have any answers, I don't have any quick fixes, I'm struggling and figuring it out just like the rest. The only thing I have on my side is love, a lot of it. And I know being surrounded by that much love, I'll find peace. He may not cure my sickness when he wraps his arms around me, but he heals my soul and that's the perfect place to start.

Show me love, show me life, baby show me what it's all about.

In the end.

It’s weird when every thing you know about a person and believe to be true can all be thrown out the window by a single action, a single sentence spoken, a single movement made in less than a second. Your relationship with that person is forever change, and you can never look at them as the same. Your perception of them, as this great human being, one that you could look up to and lived a life of morals is suddenly cast down from the throne you placed him on. You begin to question if it’s your fault, if you placed him on upon a throne that he didn’t wish upon himself as well? But then you realize you didn’t. He wanted that throne, he promised himself he’d be a better husband to his wife this time around, a better man, a better father, that his old ways would never come back to haunt him and that he was a good soul.

My how things can change so suddenly.

I found myself sick to my stomach when they kissed, I felt the shift in the air the moment it was all happening and I knew it was wrong. When I denied him he went elsewhere, to someone weaker, someone more willing, and someone who sometimes just doesn’t think. But what excuse is that? Of course she was thinking, she just wasn’t thinking of what’s right. She was thinking of herself. When he touched her the way he did, didn’t she feel his wedding ring graze her body? Because I felt it the second he tried to wrap his arm around me, and that’s the moment I pulled away.

There’s this saying, that one wrong action, one fault, doesn’t make a man a horrible person. And it’s very true, he’s not a horrible person. But it was a horrible thing to do. And what’s worse is he knew it, he just didn’t care.

It made me look at relationships differently. It made me scared in a way I didn’t think I could be. Here was this man, this great man whom I trusted to be a stand up guy, always doing the right thing especially in the hardest times when really it was all just for show. It broke my heart. It made me wonder how many others there were, if his wife had any idea, if this really was how he behaved while she was gone. It made me wonder how he could look himself in the mirror and tell himself he’s being a better man than he used to be. It made me wonder that if this is him being a better man, who the hell was he before?

Pull me out from inside.

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this. - Henry David Thoreau

I will be writing again soon, I miss you all.

Two.

"Giving up is hard to do, when you really love someone"- Donny Hathaway.

These last few weeks have been some of the hardest I've had in awhile. Someone I hold dear to me said that I must be getting tested, they also said that I'm the strongest person I know. They then went onto say I can slap like a four year old girl so I don't quite know how reliable said person is, but I'd like to think the first two statements hold some truth.

We are tested. In different ways, every moment of our lives. Maybe we just don't notice it. It's not the situations in our life that define who we are, it's not the people, it's not the circumstances or the outcome, it's our actions and further more our reactions. That's what makes us who we are. That's what defines us. We can't always stop what's going to happen. Sometimes, in order to come together, you first need to fall apart.

I lost someone close to me yesterday. She was taken away from all of us too soon and the pain I felt in that moment was indescribable. I felt as though my heart was literally being ripped from within my chest. Every beat thudded through my ribcage and I could feel it in my head. Most of yesterday was a blur, certain moments stick out, certain people who were there for me regardless of what else was happening.

This week started out like a beautiful display of Murphys Law and ended up being exactly what I needed. As heartbreaking as it's been, as painful and debilitating at times, it woke me up. You have to crawl before you learn to fly. I sometimes am going so fast through this mess of my life that I let things slip by me, those moments, those little things...years from now, those will be the big things. I don't want to miss those. I don't want to forget them.

I don't want to have to lose someone just to remember the way they smiled, the way their eyes would light up anytime they got to cook with me. I want to live in the moment and not just remember what her laugh sounded like when she'd laugh hysterically at my boyfriend teasing her, but actually hear it, actually feel it. Hear the way they'd go back and forth like siblings, instantly, and just soak it in for what it is, and love them for it. Never take it for granted.

I promised myself to be true to myself. To follow my heart. To not be afraid of losing someone because of something I might say. If they will walk away because I'm honest then they weren't meant to stay after all. I need to take a deep breath and just let it go, I can't control the world. All I can do is be the best me I can be, and make peace with knowing that that is enough. That that is more than enough.

I learned to never give up on someone who hasn't given up on you. Never give up on someone even if they have, that's when they need you the most. Never give up on yourself. And never forget that you have no idea when it all might end. Live each moment, love each moment. Life is too fucking precious to waste. You can change the world, your world, you control it. Make it the one you want. You have no one to blame but yourself. It will always get better even if right now you don't think it's possible.

There's a Nora Roberts quote, that I found incredibly on point for this week..."“It’s amazing, really, just how much pain the human heart can take.”. You have no idea how strong you really are until you have no choice but to soldier on, but to survive. Don't be afraid to test yourself, you may surprise yourself with the results. You may be inspired to change your life.

My grandma sent me an email the other day, simple and to the point, "yes! REVOLT! Change the world my baby! love you till it hurts and then some". Do the things you think you can't, become the person you've always wanted, the only thing stopping yourself is you. Tomorrow may never come. No regrets. Live. Love. Laugh. Just breathe.

One.

Writing. Something I used to do all the time. I used to be pretty damn good at it. I'd write all the time, for blogs, for books, for anyone and anything. I felt the only way I could ever truly get across how I felt was through writing. I lost that, and a lot of myself, when I stumbled into what was a very difficult and very negative relationship. I lost most of what made me myself. It's weird because when you're in it, you believe it could be amazing if you just work a little more...but you can't change someone...no matter how much you wish you could.

I'm reconnecting with the things that matter in my life. My family, my friends, music, love, laughter, dancing. I find joy in every day, even if I'm miserably ill, I smile and laugh at least once. Usually, depending on the conversation and the person, it can be quite a few times.

The irony of whats been going on is that I see a lot of peoples true colors, maybe that's the beauty of it. You see what people really are like, who they really are. You see their weaknesses, you see their faults, you see who they want to be and who they were. I've reconnected with old friends, I've lost some bad friends, but I'm making peace with all of it.

I have been making it through this bumpy time in life and will hopefully come out through the other side shining. My health has been a constant battle for me and it's almost as if once in awhile it just decides to all go to shit, just to remind me how strong I am. It reminds me that I am in fact superwoman. I am my own savior. I don't need anybody else but me. However, having amazing friends certainly does make it a lot more fun.

It's lovely to feel butterflies again, to be so excited to see someones face that you can't stop grinning. To feel your best friend wrap you in their arms, hold you tight, and promise that they're never going anywhere. To hear your Twinsie's voice on a particularly bad morning, just because, well, she loves you and you're her soul sister and kindred spirit.

I have some of the most beautiful people in my life that I thank God every night for bringing them into my world. I have some of the most beautiful spirits, the most talented minds, the most heart-wrenchingly loving people that sometimes I am speechless because of it.

Relationships are hard work, regardless of the type of relationship. It could just be a friendship, it could be evolving into something more, it could have been more and now it's going to be less...they all include work, they all require effort. Make the effort, you'll reap the rewards, I promise. Don't be afraid to say the thing you think you shouldn't. Don't be afraid to take the leap you're scared to for the fear of falling. The leap may be scary, but falling is the best part sometimes. Jump, then fall. Enjoy the ride.

My strongest relationships are with people I have open and honest communication with. Sure, half the time, I really don't like what he/she says to me, but I respect and appreciate their honesty. It means something to me, that they can be themselves like that. That's what I want. I want them, the good or bad, the ugly, the broken pieces, whatever it may be. Be who you are, OWN who you are, and never falter. If you are a girl who doesn't like to wear heels, then don't wear heels. If you're a guy who prefers video games to fancy dinners, then play your video games. Don't be afraid of what you are and never be afraid of what you're not.

My body may falter and break down once in awhile, but my heart and soul never stops. My head may be filled with pain but my heart is filled with love. That's really all I can ask for in this life, that's really...the best life. This is a good life. I love every crazy moment of it. This year, I plan on soaking up as much life as I possibly can because I am so madly in love with it.

Fall in love. With yourself, with someone else. Embrace the ups, the downs, the complicated and the unknown. The people you fall asleep thinking about, keep them as close to your heart as possible. Tell them you love them every chance you have. Never let them think for a second you don't. Don't let your past ruin your future. Every one has their own baggage, it's what changes us and makes us who we are today. Some people are brought into your life to hurt you and break you down, just so you can put yourself back together again and become the person you're meant to be. Embrace all of it.

Live your life. Love your life.