I find it strange that people who do such awful things to others can call themselves friends. How? How is that being a friend? I don't want your white lies and you blinding the truth from me. I don't want to have to decipher your words to find the real meaning behind them every time we converse. I want you to tell me the truth, like a grown up, you ARE an adult now. I would appreciate it if you acted like one once in awhile. It may be awkward, most likely it will, but it will be the best kind of awkward because then there are no secrets, there is no betrayal. With honesty, there are no games, there's no backstabbing, there's no I should've knowns and how could yous. There's thank you for telling me and even though I don't like what you're saying to me I appreciate you telling me, of course there's always the I know you don't want to hear this but it's best to hear it from me ones as well.
They all have their own sting. And it doesn't make what follows it hurt any less. But it does make the sting go away faster. Because it means the person that is saying it cares for the person receiving it enough to be honest with them. Truth isn't just about being honest for your own karma. Truth and honesty is about respecting and caring about someone so much that you want them to always know exactly how it is, exactly what it means, what's going on and how it feels. You'd never want them to be in the dark because of something you've done and haven't spoken up about.
I've always used my personal life as motivation for work, food and fuel for it almost, lucky for me in my career that works. Brilliantly as well. It's not only a release but it's also somehow like therapy. Sort of like what I'm doing right now and what you're reading at the moment. Getting all of that anger and hurt out in a healthy way, a productive way, I think is the best. If you can take all that anger and hurt, that pain and betrayal and turn it into something that you not only benefit from but profit from in multiple ways not just monetarily but emotional stability wise and so forth- well that's just brilliant. What does this have to do with truth you may ask? Or honesty? To me, well, it all sort of meshes together.
I've been betrayed recently. In a way I never thought possible, by someone that I truly never thought would hurt me in such a way. Not only did it happen, but it happened repeatedly. So many times in fact that I lost track. It's been said that this person lost themselves for that bit of time, six months or so, and that they're sorry. Unfortunately I've heard that word so many times that it doesn't even hold any shred of truth with it anymore. It's lost its meaning. When someone says it then never backs it up repeatedly, it loses it's meaning. I do believe this said person is utterly disgusted with themselves for what they've done and can't believe that they actually did what they did to me.
I found that when I stepped back, looked at the entire situation and how I reacted to it that what I was hurt the most by wasn't at all the actions or lack there of in some instances but the dishonesty about it and the lying about it. That's what hurt me. That's what gutted me to the core. There were moments I didn't feel like I could breathe, to be quite truthful, there were moments I couldn't. I was being hurt so bad and so often that my health was actually suffering from it, multiple anxiety attacks to the point that my body was shutting down because it couldn't handle all of the stress it was going through. All of it because someone I loved, someone I love more than anything, was too much of a child to tell the truth. I suffered for weeks in pain because of their actions. I can't even count how many nights my doctors had to inject me with multiple doses of anxiety medication just so I could breathe without feeling like people were punching my chest over and over, my eyes would be swollen to the point of almost closing from crying and crying until I just would pass out doing so.
I tried to trick myself, to keep my mind off of it. But a hurt like that, a pain that deep, you can't hide from that. You can't pretend to not feel it as much as you try. A pain caused by the one person that you trusted more than anyone else you have before, that one shining beacon of hope in your life, when you're betrayed by them, that pain is relentless, that knife is sharp, that wound is deep and for a long time it feels like every new day just brought the pain all over again. I finally realized how someone could die of a broken heart. For a few days there I felt like I honestly would. My health was deteriorating quickly, as hard as I fought to do every thing I could to get better, as hard as my doctors tried, I just couldn't get better. My immune system was so shot from every thing happening health wise that when the emotional strain came on top of it my body just fell apart.
It's hard when someone that close to you does it. It's hard when it's not just a lover, a past lover, a possible future lover, but when it's your best friend and closest confidant. It's hard when that unspoken bond is broken. It's unbelievably hard. There are moments you don't think you'll ever work again, that the friendship you had may never return and to be honest I don't know if it will ever be like it was again. I'm terrified that it won't be and that it'll be lost, I'm horrified at that thought, that it will be something we will sit and talk about over dinner and think 'Wow, wasn't that brilliant? Weren't those amazing times? Weren't we great?' and we'll laugh over all of the stupid stuff we've done, the laughter we've shared, the tears we've created and the moments of utter brutal life that have happened when we were there for each other when no one else knew how to be.
I pray every day that it will be good again. That we will be good again. We're both trying and it's not going to be easy, regaining trust after something so brutal never is. We have a lot of issues we have to work through but there's just so much love there. For whatever reason I adore that asshole and he can't live without this bitch. We're stumbling for now, trying to find how to make it work. Over time, it will get better. Trust will rebuild over time. Everything that we've worked so hard to save will be salvaged. Not all will be lost. We won't be lost. We may just be too stubborn for that.
I love hard, sometimes it leads me to heartbreak, loneliness and anguish. Sometimes it leads me to someone who breaks my heart in a way where they have an opportunity to piece it back together themselves. Now I just have to wait and see if I matter enough for them to handle me with care and piece what they broke back together, or run away...again. For what's it worth, I believe in them. I have faith. In the darkest times, these moments, I have faith.
Please don't make me regret believing in love and believing in you.
