"I make no apologies for how I put together what you broke"

I think you missed my point earlier. I didn't mean that you not wanting to talk about it while you're with her was an excuse, I meant that every time you say you want to talk about something, you put it off, and then something else comes up, and you put it off again. Before anyone can blink, its been two weeks and you haven't even hinted at the conversation. When truthfully I don't believe you wanted to have the conversation, whatever that topic may have been. I think it made you uncomfortable and you didn't know how to answer it without showing a fraction of who you are inside and you didn't dare want to show your cards, you never dare want to appear to be vulnerable to me. You say we'll discuss this later and you become that guy that later never comes to. You keep saying you wish I'd trust you but you need to stop screwing it up? Maybe try talking to me. Try speaking to me. Try showing yourself, showing your cards, just once in a awhile so I know you've still got them. I don't see any of the person I loved anymore. Not an inch. I loved you, you were my best friend, and I told you my darkest secrets and I wasn't afraid to talk to you about what scared me or what was happening in my life because we had a give and take. But you don't give anything anymore. And I'm not going to hang around hoping that one day you open your eyes and realize that all I want is you to just open your mouth and speak to me. All I've ever wanted from you is for you to just open your mouth and speak to me. I'm not going to be some woman who is busy fighting for and against all of these things in her life, just to at the end of the day, have to fight you. We are at our strongest when we communicate. We've always been at our strongest when we've communicated. Even when it wasn't what the other wanted to hear, even when it broke each others heart, even when it made you sick with worry and me want to kill you...we were strong and we didn't break because we communicated.

Do you know how silly that seems to me now? How silly it all seems? I thought I found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with when I found you and not as my husband, but as my best friend. As someone that I wouldn't lose. Your words, not mine. But I haven't had you as my friend in so long that I don't even know what that feels like. I know what it looked like. And I make no apologies for the actions I took to repair the damage you created. But I am fixed now. All the pieces you hacked away at are back together now. I'm all put together and I'm not going to sit by and wait for you to figure out how to communicate. Our relationship, was brilliant and amazing and beautiful even in its breakdown. But I'm not going to beg you to talk to me. To open your mouth and speak. You're either going to do it because deep down you want it. Or you keep doing what you do now. And I will just remember you for the scars you left on my heart and in my head.

Distances.

What do you do when the people you thought loved you that you thought believed in you, supported you, and really truly gave a damn about you…start turning against you? What do you do, when those that are closest to you start feeling as though they are miles away and can’t even be bothered to open their mouths and communicate even the simplest of thoughts to you or the tiny pinch of feelings thrown in your direction. How can it be so much effort to them that it isn’t worth it? How it can be not worth it? How can you not be worth it? How can they not see what they are doing to you? To your relationship with them, to you two as a unit, as a partnership as…a lifetime…


How can they not see what they are making crumble beneath them? And why don’t they want me to stop it?

"I'm a sink with an open drain. Anything you say to me, runs right out. There is no enough."

But nothing I can say will change anything.

I wish I could save you.

...it's gonna be alright.

But how does it feel to swim in your own tears?

Probably by now many of you have heard of Christina Perri, if not maybe you have heard her amazing song called 'Jar of Hearts' (available to listen for free here on last.fm and are just now putting a name and a face to gut wrenching, honest, heartbreakingly beautiful and haunting lyrical talent that she is.

I have been a very huge fan of her work and writing for an incredibly long time and have followed her career closely. I have been psyched for her album release, I downloaded four copies from iTunes onto every computer I have just to help boost her sales. Her debut album entitled lovestrong is an incredibly powerful and profound mix of confusion, pain, heartache, love, agony, and some of the most talented and eloquent music production and writing that I have heard in years. She doesn't need a drum machine and an auto tone, the emotion adds to the tone, the strings add to the depth, and before you know it you're sucked into this moment that fills your entire body with feeling. Your blood pressure kicks up and you actually, for a moment, feel yourself connecting and realizing that this artist has done something that no one has been able to do in a very long time. Write songs about heartbreak without being a bitch, show pain without being weak, and weave beautiful melodies over intricate stories of love and life that leave you breathless at the end of each track.

I rarely, if ever, enjoy every single track on an album but with hers...every note, every triad, every new key...my heart just breathes it in, my soul feels calm, and this entire overwhelming feeling of 'wow, she actually gets it and can say what I feel without sounding bitter'. There are quite a few upbeat songs in there, that will have the pissed off side of you bopping around and venting, singing along about how you grow and get past the bad loves, move onto the better and enjoy life.

Christina Perri has inspired me with her album, lovestrong and I really hope it inspires you as well. I hope you connect to it. I hope you find something in it that speaks to you as well as it has spoken to me. And most of all, I hope it makes you feel something, because that's what good music does. It makes you feel. Enjoy!

lovestrong available from Amazon.com

You say you see straight through me, don't you?

So many people think they know me, they know my story, but they don't have a fucking clue.

I am going to be writing again, often. I am going to be honest, real, and brash. The truth hurts. If you can't handle it, then go elsewhere. I'm not here to please people, to give people something fun to read or to entertain anyone. I do this for me. And only for me.


I really don't give a fuck what any of you think. This is something I am doing for me. And only for me. That is important. All there is to it.

I'm done with people thinking they can walk all over me, use me as their punching bag, or treat me however they think is right. The times have changed.

I have changed.

I'm not who I was yesterday. Today it's a new day. Today it's different. Every thing is going to be different now.

We could have had it all.

It hurts when you love someone like blood, like family, like a sister...when they bail on you. When they don't see the pain they've caused, and that the actions that they don't like are just the retaliation to what they have done. They don't realize that sometimes, when people are hurting, and dealing, and can't handle what someone is doing to them, all that person can do is deflect, and push, and fight, and argue, and try to force them to be strong so maybe, just maybe, they'll stop for a moment.

Maybe, for a moment they can breathe. Maybe they can realize that a friendship, that best friends, that it isn't easy always. It takes work, and it takes communicating. You can't use someone as a punching bag constantly then be upset with them for being hard on you. Maybe you should look in the mirror and remember all the times you railed in on them, and then remember all the times you didn't even ask how their life was going? A failure in a relationship is never one sided. And it's never the end until both people want it to be.

If you love someone, you love them, and you want them to be happy and healthy, and you also never quit on them. You never, ever quit on them. If shit gets hard, and shit gets rough. Then you sit down, you talk it out. You don't bail, you don't give up, and you certainly don't write a simple email wishing them well. That is not loving someone, caring for them, being a best friend...that's being disrespectful, shallow, self involved, and just plain mean.

It's also being someone that I don't know if I will ever look at the same.

You've broken every promise. You've gone against every word you've ever said. You've turned into him. I hope you're happy when you look into the mirror. I know what I've done wrong, I knew what was wrong the entire time but you never could handle the talk, it was always too much for you. But you bailed, you became that person.

I don't know if I ever even want to look at your name again. I don't know if I can ever live with myself for loving you. And I don't think, I can ever forgive any of this.

You are were my sister, my person. How could you do something like this?