I Should've Known.

Life has this way, it makes things so bad at awhile that you don't even know if you can make yourself wake up the next day. Sometimes it gets so bad that hell, you don't even want to wake up the next morning. You find yourself in this dark place. A place that mayb you haven't been to in awhile or maybe you never have been. For me, it was somewhere I haven't been in quite some time. When you get so messed up by everything going on, weighing down on you, that you actually start having those thoughts. The dark ones, that make you want to free yourself of the shackles that tie you down.

My tired, lifeless eyes stare back at me in the mirror every day, red rimmed with illness, my face pale, gaunt and a slight green/gray color tone to it except of course for the bright red flush 'butterfly effect' as they call it on my face from my auto-immune. I did something tonight and I don't know what I did it. I can't say that I really have it all figured out but I know that I realized how severe it's gotten.

I've stopped communicating with a lot of people, many of whom I used to call or refer to as close friends. I haven't so much as a heard a peep from most so I haven't either. You always find out who your real friends are in situations like this. Even though I had somewhat of a breakdown earlier, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been and I stopped immediately after I first started and realized what was happening, almost as if I snapped out of trance. I looked down at the blood trickling over my fingers and down the length of my hand this eerie calm took over myself and the room. I wrapped my hand up with a hand towel and went out and told someone what happened.

I stood there, my hand holding the pressure against my opposite hand hopping to stop the blood as I watched everyone rush around me, cleaning it all up, repeatedly asking me if I was ok or in shock or if I needed anything. I didn't say anything, I couldn't. I just stood there. How did I get to this point? How is this my life now? I'm smarter than this, stronger than this. Hell- I'm starting a new rigorous program to get my second Masters, this time in Psychology. How could I really be doing what I'm doing? I never felt so lost as I did that moment. I never felt so alone. I never felt so abandoned.

After everything was cleaned up like nothing ever happened, including myself. I started to talk with my best friend, just about our problems and issues from the past with whomever/whatever and how we bottle them up. I was telling her opening up about everything happening to you, everything you feel and getting it out there whether it's just writing it in a journal for her our own eyes, or own a blog, something/anything, that it would be really beneficial. We talked about how when we're so angry we want to punch something, instead write everything you feel down and get it out that why. Why can't I just follow my own advice? It's sound advice, it's advice we've both received from our therapists. Maybe it's just easier said than done.

Almost everything in my life is easier said than done but that's just the way it is isnt it? It seems to be that way. I don't understand why people, or I guess a certain guy (not yet a man but not still a boy hah) promise things if only to break them. Why promise them? Why cant you just say 'that sounds like a good plan' instead? By putting your word on it you make it so much more important, when you bail, repeatedly, that trust between us is strained. When you add it to the other lies from the past, it's even harder. He says the things he promises to do, like he's the great man he used to be. But he's not that man anymore. I'm sorry love, but you're not. If you were, if he was, it wouldn't be so hard to keep the simple promises you've made me. You have yet to keep a single one.

We had a huge blow out where I wasn't talking to him for awhile, justifiably so. I decided to slowly give him another chance, he swore he'd 'show me' that he could make our friendship what it used to be, that he'd be that best friend that I love so much. Funny thing is, he hasn't shown me that at all. In fact, it was more the opposite, especially lately. So what have I done? Well, I've stopped forcing it so much. I'm not going to yell at him for being a shitty friend. He's already emotionally and mentally abused me to the point where I'm numb to what he does to me anymore, for the most part. I go through the motions of crying but the pain isn't really as bad, its more or less this dull throbbing numbness where I shut down, not allowing him to get anywhere or even get close to me. He doesn't seem to care so I guess that's that. We'll see, so far, I'm disappointed in him, yet again.

I think that's probably the worse part. He was the guy that I loved more than anything. I changed my whole life for him, I changed my treatment for him, I changed so much about my life just to be closer to him, for us to have a chance. Only for him to bail, then break down afterward and treat me in the most awful way possible. He became mentally and emotionally abusive in a way which shocked many of our close friends and family so much that they all banded together and refused to give him my location when I had to have an emergency surgery and he was freaking out. They didn't care, he is now dead to them, still, and they refuse to let him near me.

For whatever reason, I can't give up on him completely. Through every thing I still have faith in him even though he admitted to giving up on me, to losing faith on me and to bailing because he couldn't be man enough to handle a mature relationship, he couldn't handle me being sick in the hospital so much. He claimed that it would never work because of that and it felt like a sucker punch. It was then I realized what a child he was, as days went on and conversations were shorter and more brief, I realized it more and more, he's become even more and more immature. He acts like a child most of the time and I won't even comment on the people he chooses to surround himself with. He's not man enough. I used to think he was and I honestly believe that he used to be, but when what happened to us happened back in July... I didn't just lose what we lost, I lost him too.

We've never been the same since. I can't even count the number of nights I've cried myself to sleep over him, the number of times I've had anxiety attacks because of him, the number of times I've done even more stupid things because of him. If he wasn't my best friend it wouldn't be so bad, if he wasn't that one guy that felt so right, if he wasn't that one guy that when he still touches me to this day-feels like home to me.

He's given up on me, completely. He claims not as friends and he wants to fix our friendship. I don't buy it. Still waiting for him to 'show me'. I'm not holding my breath, I'm just hoping. But he's different and I don't even know if I can be friends with this version of him he's being now. I don't even know how to speak to him because we never even get a chance to really talk. It's small talk or BBMs that don't get responses either way from three-four hours. That's not conversation. That's not fixing a friendship. That's not showing me anything.

He used to want to come visit me, he'd ask ever day if my pneumonia had cleared up enough so he could come see me, but then he did something and ever since he hasn't even once asked. I know many of you are probably wondering what the hell is she still doing bothering with this guy? Or that it's so obvious he's not worth it. Something like that. I hear it all the time. My best friend wants to kill him, violently, he's officially dead to her because of every thing he's done. She wants him to go play in traffic for a very long time. But I...I don't know.

I used to think the way we loved each other was special. I used to think the way we talked to each other, the way we cared for one another and the quirky weird dorky way we had our little 'habits' together were things that made us unique and I thought we were something that both of us cherished. I thought that the fact that he loved me and loved every moment he spent with me was enough to make him be good to me. But I guess not. I don't know what else to do, what should I do? What do I need to do for him to be good to me? I've never done him wrong, I've had his back no matter what even when I hated his decisions or the people in them. I do nothing but back him up and defend him when needed.

I just stare in the mirror sometimes, looking at the shell I've become, I let my health and him rule my world. I need to be strong, I've learned that I can always go on, I've learned that no matter how dark the night, the sun will always rise again. I've learned that no matter how much the pain is that you can find a way to breathe deep, suck it up and power through because when you know there is no other option besides death you find the strength in you to move on.

I feel like I'm falling backwards, like I'm slipping through the cracks and like nobody would even notice if I left, was gone, and never came back.

I feel like sometimes I want to disappear...

Sometimes, some moments, I try to think of ways to.

Then I shake the negative thoughts from my head and focus on something else, which is almost always a silly convo with my best friend. I don't know...well, I know for sure I wouldn't be where I am now without her by my side. She's been with me every step of the very very long road, being strong for me when I cant, being there for me when he was supposed to but didn't show. She's been my savior, my guardian angel, my hero...I could go on forever. The words thank you don't even match the amount of gratitude I have for her for every thing she's done and continues to do. She makes this trippy ride called life incredible by being by my side. She's the best roommate, best friend, and best merd in this entire universe. I love her so much and I'm so fucking proud of her for all she's done lately that I am literally crying writing this. I love you A, you're so beautiful inside and out. I wouldn't want anyone else to be holding my hand through all of this then you. Thank you for reminding me what it feels like to matter.

When you get your heart broken at the same time as your health completely deteriorates at a rate in which you haven't seen in years, it's overwhelming and terrifying. You feel like the world you built is falling in on you because in so many ways it is. You realize that having your heart broken by your best friend, losing your best friend, that person you trusted your life with and your soul with...you realize that hurts more than any boyfriend could ever cause. Boyfriends come and go but friends, especially a friendship like that, they're for life. We were supposed to be for life. I really hope we still are. I hope we fix us so we can be. But who knows? I can't control what he will do nor would I want to. I want him to want to fix us, to have me in his life. I want him to be proactive. I want him to initiate, to show that he really cares, that I'm not some memory in his history, some bump in the road he no longer wants to remember.

I expect a lot from the people in my life, honesty and respect. Every thing else you can possibly think of will fall into those two categories. Apparently that is just asking too much from people, including my own family members at times, but if I got into that it'd be a 600+ page novel . I guess I don't understand why someone says something, then goes against it. Or feels something and goes against it. If you love someone, you love them, you don't let them go, you fight like hell for them. If you love them you don't give them bruises that don't fade on their heart, you don't cause pain that leaves them changed forever, you don't give them nightmares that have them waking up in the middle of the night screaming and crying, begging for you to stop...

You don't make them want to disappear, even with every thing great in their life- you find the soft spots and aim for them with your words making sure you've broken them completely before you stop.

The want to disappear is still there. And the longer it takes for him to 'show' me, the more I wish I could just disappear.

EDIT P.S. If you see this blog without pictures or sidebar information etc its because I am working on re-designing it. So for a bit there will be time without everything. Sorry!!

"WE WERE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!"- Nathan Young

So many things can change so quickly and before you know it you find yourself feeling every thing like you did once before, all over again. Just like that it's taken from you.

I don't know quite how to respond to what's been happening to me lately or even how to explain it to those outside of my inner circle. I find myself not even really wanting to. The people I thought I could trust and lean on, the closest people in the world to me, can no longer be trusted to be there, can no longer be relied on. That in itself is difficult to swallow let alone the way it all unfolded. That saying, one step forward, two steps back? I feel like it's two steps forward fifteen steps back. Nowhere near what I wanted it to be or how I wanted any of this to happen. It's easily the most frustrating thing in the world, not being able to fix things you want to fix and not being able to make sense of others actions, hearing them say they love you when really you just know that if they do- they have a fucked up version of love.

My best friend, my sister and I all have matching bracelets. They're thick bands of black, with big bold white letters that say 'F*CK CANCER' on them. Have I mentioned how much I teared up when I found out they both were wearing them for me? My best friend started the idea, she got hers first and rocked it, was so happy to get it and wear it proudly for me. My sister got hers, then mine came (the delivery took forever). We all rock ours, every day, we're in the process of designing one (just my best friend and I), we like to do things like this to support one another, so we each know no matter what happens, no matter whats going on, we have each others back and we will always take care of each other and look out of one another and have each others best interest at heart. We support one another no matter what, even if we don't agree with the situation, and even when its an 'I told you so' moment, we never pull that out. We let one another cry, and we're there, always, making sure neither are alone. I love her to pieces, I can't wait till we get to have a cookie and Veronica Mars marathon and I know, without a doubt, I would not have been able to make it through all of this without her.

Besides, she got me hooked on Misfits!

With everything so messy right now, with me so usnure of practically, fucking everything, I am not unsure of that, of us, of our friendship. She's my rock, my best friend, my lynchpin and she keeps me together at times that I don't even know if I can. She loves me for me, not for my potential, she loves me all of my faults all of my attributes and all. She loves me for me just like I absolutely adore her for her.

Thank you, for every thing. For the late night talks, the books, the movies, the protection that never ends, the smiles and the tears, the cheerleading kicks and pom poms in the face, all of it. Thank you for being you, for being my best friend and for loving me for being me. You're an amazing incredible indvidual and I'm so proud of you.